


For Both of Us

by NightMuse



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fluffy stuff for a shitty world, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-15 03:22:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7204841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightMuse/pseuds/NightMuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when the words slip?</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Both of Us

**Author's Note:**

> The world has been a CRAPPY place these passed few weeks. So I wrote some fluff to try and brighten it in the only way I know how. 
> 
> With this piece I send each of you warm thoughts and happy hearts. We can make this world a better place as long as we don't give up.

Doors slammed and angry feet stomped up the stairs. They bypassed the Exy team's mostly empty dorm rooms and made their way straight to the roof. Once the door closed behind them, Neil's angry voice exploded out into the night as Andrew lit a cigarette. He took a long drag and stared out into the distance, ignoring everything Neil said in favor of trying to pull his anger into check. He'd learned the hard way what happened when he allowed himself to be pissed a very, very long time ago, so he shoved it so far down it felt like razor blades in his stomach. Not even the nicotine could take the edge off. He couldn't even explain to Neil why he was angry because he himself didn't even fully understand it and that was harder. He hoped that Neil was too focused on his own rage to see the way his hands shook as he brought the cigarette to his lips for a long drag and stopped tuning Neil out.

"You have to allow yourself to want this! I can see how much fun you have now. You smiled tonight, Andrew, and I would do anything to see you do it again." Neil's hands were balled into fists, and his nails cutting into his palms Andrew was sure.

"Oh, Neil. I keep telling you, this is your dream, not mine. Let. It. Go." Andrew retorted firmly. He was proud of how even he'd been able to get his voice, how it actually sounded, even to himself, that he didn't give a damn when he wanted to burn everything around him down until it was nothing more than a pile of crackling embers.

"Then what is your dream, Andrew?" Neil asked. "What do you want to do?"

Andrew imagined the way Neil's face would twist if he told him that his dreams for the future mostly involved dying, and did not want to have this conversation. For years, Andrew had been leeching the will to live off of others because he was afraid to find his own. How could he explain that he was just so goddamn tired of everything now that he had no more promises to keep?

Once Renee tried to explain to him what she thought heaven might be like, and what she hoped for when she died, and that was the difference between the two of them. Renee still held hope and put faith into it, where as Andrew's hope left him terrified and he didn't even have it left in him to wish for anything after death.

Everything he had ever wanted, ever had, was ripped from his hands before he ever had a chance to appreciate it. Now, he had what he wanted, it was so close he could touch it and it was frowning at him, but he was so afraid to lose it that he'd rather die than let himself enjoy it because happiness was the first step to loss.

"I don't want anything." He said flatly, and as if to prove it, he flicked his ashes at Neil. "I don't want a goddamn thing." Or rather, he couldn't let himself. He was relapsing and fast. The hole Neil had filled grew bigger and was now threatening to suck him into the abyss.

"Andrew,"

"Don't 'Andrew' me." he threw his cigarette butt down so hard the ashes exploded against the concrete of the rooftop like a small starburst and he pushed Neil back against the door so hard the door groaned in protest as he raised his voice. The lid on all his anger came flying off and he dug his fingertips into Neil's shoulders until he saw him wince. "Read my lips, Neil. I cannot want anything. There is not a wanting fucking bone in my body. Actually, you know what, that's not true,"

Internally, Andrew was screaming at himself to stop. To shut up and walk away until he could control the fear and calm down. Outwardly, he grinned and his voice lilted as everything he'd ever wanted to scream at everyone came tumbling out of his mouth like a sick joke.

"You know what I've always wanted, Neil? To die. For as long as I can remember, death has always been the end goal. I'd be better off dead than on this stupid fucking team busting my ass for something that will _never matter_ , and who knows maybe today I'll fucking jump and get it over with. Fuck Exy. Fuck Kevin and fuck you. You're wasting your time with this and with me, and you always have been, why can't you just fucking see that?!"

By the time he was done, fear struck him so cold he felt the icy dread in his veins crystallizing in his fingertips. There was no going back. After how careful he'd been not to snap at Neil... He'd fucked up.

Now he was sure that Neil would walk away from him, that had been what he was afraid of the whole time, and Andrew only had himself to blame for it. He stepped back, prying his frozen fingers from Neil's surely bruised shoulders and schooled his face back into the mask before he looked back at Neil.

_Do you get it now_? He wanted to cry. _I cannot change_.

He wasn't surprised to see anger in Neil's eyes, but he was surprised at the words that followed and how Neil's voice trembled with emotion. The scars on his face took on an entirely new appearance in the darkness, like they were personifications of the demons inside of Andrew's head.

"Don't you dare- Don't you _dare_  tell me that this," Neil waved his hand between them, "is a waste of time." Neil growled, jabbing his finger at Andrew. "I risked my life for this. For you, because I _knew_ -"

"Nobody asked you to do that! I never asked you to do that!" Andrew found himself shouting back. His mask forgotten, broken or cracked he didn't know. It was simply gone.

"God damn it, Andrew, you shouldn't fucking have to!" Neil wailed, his fist was clenched and pulled back as if he wanted to punch Andrew but instead he pivoted his body and slammed his fist into the wall. His eyes closed in a pained grimace and when he spoke again, his voice broke and was weak and hoarse. "You shouldn't have to ask for someone to fight for you for once. I did all that, because I knew you were worth it and it kills me to watch you force yourself to believe that you aren't."

Andrew had gone still. He'd forgotten how to move, how to breathe, how to think. Guilt at pushing Neil so far bloomed in his chest and all he wanted to do was reach out to and pull him close but instead he backed away.

"Don't," Neil whispered as his eyes opened, Andrew stumbled back even farther when he saw that they were filled with tears. "Don't pull away from me anymore, please..."

Andrew found his voice only long enough to say,

"You know I hate that word."

"Yes. Yes I do. And I hate that you hate that word and if you gave me a name I would kill whoever made you hate it." Neil's voice was full of such desperation that Andrew didn't doubt him for a second.

"I don't deserve you." _How are you still here?_

"And I deserve you? You made me _real_ , Andrew. How will I ever deserve any of what I have right now when all I've brought upon this team is pain? The unending support you've given me by letting me into your home, your car, your family? Do I really deserve that when I failed, keep failing, the chances I had to protect you?"

Andrew knew his mask was long gone, he knew he was gaping.

"And another thing," Neil started, stepping closer and grabbing the front of Andrew's sweater and twisting his fists into the fabric. "Don't you ever think about suicide ever fucking again do you understand me? I'll love you enough for both of us so stop trying to sabotage yourself."

When Neil realized what he'd said he froze and lifted his gaze to Andrew's so slowly there was no mistaking the apprehension in it.

They hadn't talked about this, neither of them knew if it was okay. Andrew on the other hand, had so much practice keeping calm in the face of hope, he found his mask, dusted it off and put it back on, though his thoughts were chaotic.

The only person to ever say those words to him had been Aaron, during their first meeting when he'd been so excited that Andrew existed. Andrew had never said them back. The words had made him sick then, but this... Felt different.

"What did you just say?" He asked calmly, holding Neil's gaze like it was a challenge.

Neil frowned.

"I know you remember."

"Humor me, say it again."

A short pause, but then.

"I said, I will love you enough for both of us."

Andrew kept his expression blank, but the corners of his mouth quirked up.

"Now without the bulk." Andrew purred. His hands were no longer at his sides. They were at Neil's and he was caging him against the wall. It was a little hard to breathe.

Neil's nerves had visibly melted and his voice was confident now as he said, "I love you, Andrew."

For the first time since their first kiss Andrew did not need to ask to know that Neil wanted to be kissed.

Their kiss was hot, and hungry and desperate and Andrew tried to give those words back to Neil in silence, but it wasn't good enough. The way his hands moved over Neil's arms and chest couldn't convey it and a kiss could only mean so much. When Andrew pulled back, he pressed his forehead to Neil's and watched him carefully, reveling in the way he could still taste Neil on his tongue as they both fought to catch their breath.

"You... Terrify me." He started, but goddamn it that wasn't right. "No-"

Neil's eyes were patient. There was no expectation in them, just patience. It was the same for the hand moving lazily in his hair. He was waiting for Andrew to find his words.

"I'm afraid," he whispered finally.

"Afraid of me?" Neil asked, his fingers worked their way to the nape of Andrew's neck. He wanted to tell him. He did. But if he said the words aloud, or even so much as thought them, the illusion would be broken and all would be lost.

"Not of you. The idea of you. The idea of you being... Gone."

Neil had been gone once and Andrew's world had lost all its color. 

Neil's eyes softened.

"You love me."

"I hate you." Andrew said, but the way he said it made it sound like an I love you. 

"You hate the idea of losing me." Neil's eyes went wide as he realized. "It's the same. With Exy. You love it but you're afraid to lose it? Andrew, is that true?" 

There was no point in denying it, so of course Andrew scowled and said, "No." The one and only time it would ever mean yes, the scowl had given him away. 

Neil stole it with a lighthearted kiss. "I'm not going anywhere... And neither is Exy. You can have us. And you can have," Neil gestured between the two of them. "Us." 

Us. Andrew liked that word. He also liked the other words.

"Say it again."

"I love you." 

"I love you." He repeated. The words left him like a rush of escaping air. A fearful plea. A quiet, meaningful confession.

"Andrew..." 

The pride in Neil's voice was quiet and  tight. Neither of them knew when Andrew might say it again but the words were out there now. Neil had something solid to hold on to and it gave Andrew a little peace of mind.

Neil pulled Andrew close, Andrew pulled him back. Despite that, their kiss this time was tender. It was able to say what Andrew wanted to.

_I love you, I love you, I love you._   

Kissing Neil now made him understand that the fact that he was afraid only meant that it was true.

He loved Neil, and Neil loved him back enough to grow to accommodate and fill the gaping hole in his heart until he could love himself enough to make it disappear.


End file.
